sherlock holmes 2009/size 1gb

Awesome. Starting off right where the last one left off. I mean literally. The last five minutes of the last movie are the first five of this one. It’s the principle of Robert Zemeckis: Why make one shitty sequel when you can make two at once? So for those of you keeping score, a bunch of assholes nobody likes are stuck on a roof in a terrible town while monsters try to eat them. I had held a desperate hope that they would have cleaned house castwise like they did between the original (and superiorly funspirited) Feast and Feast II. Instead, they did up a Back to the Feaster II and Feaster III Triple Feast. If Christopher Lloyd doesn’t drive a train off a cliff, this movie already fails.

00:00:36: Clu Gulager, the director’s father, is back as the Bartender who won’t fucking die. He’s standing in the middle of the desert, staring angrily into the camera, saying, “Thanks for fucking my potential acting retirement plan, son. I couldn’t be a stunt hand in a Turkish jerkoff film now. Joke’s on you, I blew your inheritance on hookers and Pixie Sticks.”

00:03:00 Seriously, this is just the end of the last movie. That’s some green filmmaking, Ed Begley Jr. Why this didn’t kill at Sundance is beyond me. If they filmed a compost pile decaying it’d get a four picture fucking deal these days. And yet we’re going to SXSW, where anyone can be a filmmaker if they have $75.

00:04:00: Now I remember why I hate everyone from the last film. Didn’t they kill everyone, goddammit?

00:04:45: Finally! New footage! Honey Pie, my arch nemesis who survived in the credits of the last film — IS DEAD! One of the monsters decrapitated the broad. I don’t care how annoyingly resilient you appear to be. Nobody gets up from a deheadening. Ask the Kurgan.

00:04:47: The monster is eating Honey Pie’s huge noggin like a golden delicious apple. And now. The monster. Is crapping. A human head. Put that on your resume, Heigl.

00:05:00: I guess stupid bitch heads aren’t fortified with the nutrients monsters need to grow up and be in quality films. Five minutes in, and we’ve got recycled footage, a beheading, and scat humor. Stick with YouTube, kids. Five years from now, The Oscar will go to a documentary shot on cell phones. And it’ll be hosted by Tyler Perry.

00:05:30: Christ, again with the little yearbook writeups for the characters. The arc for the Bartender says, “WWII Vet, now fighting his greatest battle, blah-blah-blah.” I’m pretty sure this was the dominant pattern for the script. “They fight monsters with guns on the roof. Make sure chicks are topless. Blood and shit. Blah-blah-fritos scoops are teh shinzorgans.”

00:06:07: Joan Jett the Biker Queen is killing a monster with a motorcycle. I’m positive there’s some sort of austere symbolism for female empowerment going on that I’m not fully appreciating. Probably because she’s spouting such overwhelmingly powerful dialogue, “Die!” and “Bleed!”

00:06:20: “Bleed it out! Bleed it all out!” That’s what I scream at my girlfriend during her special lady time. What? If this movie’s not bringing the A-game, I’m certainly not. Tampax! Gets the red out!

00:06:35: “That’s some Pam Grier shit!” Slasher, the only black character. Congrats on reigniting apartheid, my brother. If memory serves me correctly, the last movie ended with them getting swarmed by monsters on the roof. Where have all the monsters gone? Are they with the cowboys?

00:07:00: Somebody slip in the blood, somebody slip in the blood! C’mon, this calls for some wacky Stoogian hijinks!

00:07:10: What in the piss purple fuck?! Greg Swank is STILL ALIVE? The motherfucker got a steel pipe blasted through his head! It’s still there! They replayed the scene just so we knew! Fucking Swank is played by the goddamn director’s brother. CHRIST! It was SWANK! Swank fell in the goop! Oh, retarded magic is not nearly as much fun to watch when you know where the coins are really disappearing to.

00:07:39: Oh, good. They’re shooting in night vision. So you can bask in all the glorious functionality of the $450 digital camcorder the movie was shot on. White balance next! Autofocus! Anti-tremble function! Whooo! Technology! AV CLUB 4EVA!

00:08:00: Oh, goddamn you, Secrets. I hope someone beats you Oprah and Blue with the Bible. If you recall, she’s called Secrets because she believes in “The Secret”. Also, she keeps repeating, “We gotta believe. We gotta believe.” Who says you can’t have witty social commentary in a grindhouse flick?

00:08:25: They keep going back and forth from nightvision to color. That’s going to use up most of the $65 budget. And a motherfucker needs his goddamn Fritos scoops.

00:08:28: Ahhhh! HAHAHAHAHA! I paused the DVD to write “I bet they’re gonna have a monster jump out from the shadows any second now.” And one did! But in the freeze frame, I can totally see the wire mesh inside the mouth of the costume that the actor looks through! I think it’s James Lipton! Lipton’s the fucking monster!

00:08:49: For those of you keeping score at home, Two monsters have been killed. All by gals. One Honey Pie left out in the rain. She’ll never have to be in the movie again. On our home team we’ve got: Bartender, Slasher, Biker Queen, Secrets, Greg Swank, two Tattooed Biker chicks named Tit Girl and Tat Girl, and theoretically Lightning, unless the midget budget ran over from the last film. Eight is enough! Eight people who will hopefully perish before long!

00:09:00: This movie officially includes more exposed breasts in the first ten minutes of any film I’ve ever seen before, and I’m including pornography.

00:09:37: They keep going close-up on the “dead” monster. I wonder if he’s really dead? Will he jump up and kill? “We’re what’s left of what’s left behind.” Sounds like the Samuel L. “Every Dead Black Hero” Jackson Memorial Monologue to me.

00:10:11: Nope. He lives. They just like zooming in in nightvision. A black guy’s just as green as you and me when the lights are out. Togetherness.

00:10:15: I give up. A guy in a jeep comes driving down the road. And WHATHEFUCKETYFUCKWHISTLE?! THUNDER IS STILL ALIVE?!!!

If you recall from the last movie, Thunder — the other half of the midget team — was splattered all over the street by the ill-fated but awesome midget catapult experiment. He was then subsequently torn in half by the monsters, but being a midget, I’m not sure what fraction that represents. Potentially a third.

And here he is, as a fucking tiny torso with intestines hanging out, STILL ALIVE! And doing reverse pushups.

00:10:20: This must be a new character. He’s driving an army jeep with a spiked ram on the front. He just ran over Thunder! That’s no way to treat your marquee midget, Gulager. Motherfucker was in Pirates of the Caribbean Elevenses: The Search for Ulee’s Gold.